Bittersweet Reunion (Chapter 5)

Theed has its own aura. It’s thick and busy. To the casual observer it’s bustling with merchants selling their wares and entertainers trying to make a name for themselves. But to those of us who see below the surface there is an undercurrent of pain and poison. Thank goodness I was only going to be here long enough to grab a shuttle. Taking one last look around me I take a minute to silently say goodbye. As the rain starts to fall I wrap my cloak tightly around me and grab a ticket to Sidious. It feels like a lifetime since I last set foot there. I board the shuttle and wonder how many new faces there will be and if the old ones will recognize me.

I'm the last one off the shuttle this time, trepidation holding me back. I step out into the sun and into a large gathering feeling a little overwhelmed so I take a minute to get my bearings. While I'm trying to figure out what's going on I notice movement in the corner of my eye. Turning to it I feel tiny arms wrap around my shoulder squeezing me tightly.

"Raylene!!! It's been so long!" The pink hair in her ponytail shimmered in the sun and a bright smile looked slightly up at me. Her smile is contagious, always has been, and I smile back at her.

"Naydine, gosh have you gotten taller since I've been gone?" An ongoing joke between us, and her smile got bigger.

Naydine wasn't much shorter then I was but she was so tiny that she gives the feeling of fragility. Many men who didn't know her underestimated her and lived to regret it. She is perhaps my closest friend in the whole galaxy. Many times we've looked out for each other both physically and emotionally. She is on the front lines more often then not and has seen more things then I ever want to know about, yet she keeps a wide smile on her face. Naydine truly enjoys life as much as she can. I knew she'd be the one who could tell me what was going on in Sidious.

Pulling her to the side I ask what all the commotion is. She reminds me about the newest wave of Rebel bases that are being put up and that the Emperor has sent Sidious out to get rid of them. I take another look around at the growing crowd and notice everyone adjusting their armor, tightening their packs, checking their weapons. Officers walking up and down the lines making sure the newer recruits aren't screwed up. It all looks so familiar to me and I feel my heart squeeze in sadness knowing that a handful of the privates won't be coming home. I feel her pulling on my sleeve. Sighing softly I turn back to look at her.

"Are you coming with us again? We really miss you Ray, and I could use the company."

Shaking my head sadly I have to tell her no. "I'm sorry Naydine, Lord Vader has sent for me."

She knows the implications of this call and tightens her grip on my arm.

"You make sure to come back and visit me when you're done with him ok?"

Her face now has a shadow. We both know I may not survive this meeting. I hold her tightly and promise to stop here on my way out. Not in any rush to face Vader, I decide to walk instead of grab a ride out there. Offering her a lopsided smile, I wished them safe journeys and then start the long walk to the Retreat.

How many times had I walked this path? It's so familiar to me I don't even need to pay attention, so instead I fall back into my own thoughts. Gallons of blood spilled because of me, all in the name of the Emperor. Don't get me wrong, I will always follow an order like any solider should, but that doesn't mean I agree with it. Those Rebels that I killed had families at home waiting for them. Children who will now grow up without a father or mother because of me. Oh I know that if I hadn't done it then it would have been someone else but that doesn't make it any easier to live with.

I am Second Lieutenant Raylene Gothiolc and I serve proudly in the Imperial Army. I am trained to kill Rebel insurgents and anyone else that has been ordered to die and I know ways of torture that are the nightmares of grown men. I bring death quickly and needlessly wherever I am directed. I am also fully prepared to kill myself if captured so I don't give away any secrets. Yet there is another side of me, a softer more caring side that doesn't get a chance to come out very often. I am Ray, daughter of a dead man who gave his life to the Empire but made the mistake of trying to be happy at the same time. I bring hope and peace with just a few strums of my mandovil. I love deeply and strongly but with difficulty. My question now was how to I reconcile the two very distinct parts of me. I needed to integrate them to keep from losing one or the other. It is a lifelong process, I know, but one I am now willing to embark upon.

The amount of Storm Troopers increase and I need to be watchful for superiors so I don't miss a salute. I'm getting closer to what could be the end of my life. Not too long ago I made a decision to end it, but that was different, it was my choice. I get closer to the entrance of the Retreat and my knees start shaking. I don't want to go through with this but I know if I don't I will die painfully. At least this way Lord Vader can learn what I know before he kills me. Walking through the door, Kaja Or'Zee nods at me and motions me down the hall. How long has she stood there, guarding the door? My feet feel heavy and it takes great concentration to keep them moving.

This place is like the rest of the buildings on this planet, beautifully hiding its secrets. Walking through the main room I glace sideways at the Royal Imperial Guards in their blood red robes and hoods, quietly thanking that I don't have to go up to see the Emperor. The hallways are fairly empty and my footsteps echo through them. I use this sound to anchor me in reality. Second hall, turn left, take a steadying breath and walk through the door while I still have some nerve left in me to move.

My body is no longer responding to my will and I feel myself being pulled forward further into the sparse room. Before my eyes can even focus on Lord Vader I feel myself fall down on my knees and bow to him. The last coherent thought I have is, "You sent for me my Lord?".

Tendrils of darkness envelope my mind, twisting and turning around my memories. I feel the urge to scream but it gets caught in my throat. Memories of pappa flood my mind. The things he worked on in secret. Dinnertimes we shared over the years. And then, memories that are of my pappa, but not mine. I don't understand how I could know these things about him. I watched as he worked on a dead young woman, bloody and scarred from animals. She looks vaguely familiar to me but I don't know how. A flash of anger that isn't mine flows through me and then the memories change. I'm killing again. Over and over, without a second thought as to why. There is blood on my hands that will never wash off. An emptiness fills me that is only satiated by death. I feel a sick pleasure at what I have done. Now I'm in a cantina. Music flowing around me, oblivious to my surroundings. This is a difficult rift. I watch as I work through it effortlessly. Tatooine now. I'm lying next to the Sarlacc half dead. One by one the memories of my life rush through me for inspection and are met with either anger or something slightly less.

I roll over coughing painfully, my head pounding. I have to squint my eyes because the sun is too bright. Slowly I come to my senses. I'm alive, barely but I'm alive! Not wanting to push my luck by wondering why or how I survived that meeting I decide to get of this blood covered planet. It takes me awhile to get my strength but I manage to stand up and start walking. I can't go back to Sidious. It might be best if they thought me to be dead. This was my chance to start over someplace no one knew me. Remembering the kinship I felt with Tatooine I decided to go back. Perhaps I could start to heal there.

This shuttle ride is different for me. I felt lighter, like a stone had been lifted from my heart. Maybe now I can put aside the solider in me and try to find out who I am without the uniform. This was my new beginning, a new chance at life for me. There is a part of me that will always love Naboo, but I know too much about it now. It's just not the home to me it once was. I turn to look out the small window and watch it get smaller as we speed away from it. A tear slides down my cheek as I let go of my past and look forward to my future.

There has always been a quiet beauty to Naboo, but not many people see past the surface of it. They are the lucky ones.